Dear Lindan

Dear Lindan,

Today is your first birthday and I sit typing this letter to you after you have gone to bed. I have lit your birthday candle for the first time to watch the wax melt past the big 1. Tonight, as I have for the last week, I sit reflecting on everything that has happened in the last year. It’s surprising to me how bittersweet this day is. I took you to have your picture taken just so I could mark today in our history together. I also worked on your baby book, your photo album, and decorations for your upcoming celebration. I will celebrate you so that I can look forward. Look forward to all the other years that will burn down on your birthday candle (and will be as amazing as this one) as I watch you grow.

I look through the pictures of you and see how each milestone comes together to make you who you are now. I know now that your early smile wasn’t just a fluke, it’s a part of who you are. Your easy smile delights just about everyone you meet. Your easy smile warms my heart every morning. Your easy smile has made my smile just a little easier, too.

You have brought so much joy to us. I never could have known it until I’ve known you.

I have watched you sit up, stand up, crawl, and cruise. I’ve watched you taste new foods and eat more than the Hungry Caterpillar. I’ve read you books over and over, due to your persistent delight. I’ve picked up everything you’ve pulled from the cupboards more times than I can count. I’ve counted your toes and tickled you everywhere. Nothing makes me happier than the sound of your laughter.

I think back to the first days with you sleeping heavy on my chest. I would look at you and sing Aerosmith’s “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” (Cheesy but true.) I didn’t want to miss a moment of you. I wanted to rock you, sing to you, hold you, kiss you, and love you every single second. A good friend warned me that my heart would grow like the Grinch’s and I keep that image when I feel like my heart could bust through my chest just for loving you.

I love to chase you crawling across the floor as you squeal with glee. I love to listen to you chatter with me from the back seat. I love to nuzzle your neck and kiss you until you giggle. I love to watch you explore and discover new things everyday.

So while I look back and feel a little tender to the touch thinking of your babyhood that is ending, I know that each of these joys will continue and get better with age. I know that you will continue to be my baby, long after I can no longer hold you in my arms or on my lap. I hope I’m up for the challenge of being the best mom I can for a baby who is becoming an amazing little boy.

Just don’t grow up too fast.

I love you more than I ever knew I could love.

(A bushel and a peck, forever and a day.)

xoxo,

Mama

  

I know I'm a mom

For real.
I know I'm a mom now that...
I can sing over 30 different verses to The Wheels on the Bus.
Dirty diapers don't phase me.
I know we need to be home by 6 p.m. Sharp.
I spend a considerable portion of my time crawling on the floor.
I wake up at the smallest sound.
1,000 kisses a day doesn't feel like nearly enough.
I cry over spilled breast milk.
On the Day You Were Born chokes me up every time.
I realize I'm still wearing that froggy headband when I look in the mirror.
But I'm not sure how long I've had it on.
I'm sad at 8:00 each morning but start looking forward to 3:30 around noon.
I can watch a video monitor for hours.
I worry a lot more. About a lot more.
I feel my heart swell in my chest every time I think of you.

Not Perfect

When I try to read books to you I get frustrated that you just want to chew on them.
We've resorted to disposable diapers and formula at times.
I can't be home with you the way that I'd like.
You don't get a bath as often as you should.
Your fingernails are getting long and sharp.
You've fallen off a bed... twice.
I let you crawl on dirty floors.
We always talk to strangers.
You've had a black eye.
I let you cry in bed.
I give in, too.
I <3 p="" you.="">

New Normal

I've discovered for myself that motherhood for me is a constant adjustment

to a new normal.

Just when things get into a rhythm

or routine

and my mind and body can keep up

this little boy

(big boy)

keeps growing

and changing.

I am on my toes.

I am falling behind.

I am tired.

With a quick breath

I catch back up.

Wake up.

Get up.

Grow.

hard

i adore being a mom.
i never knew that i would
ever could
love someone so tiny
so much.

there are moments though
that are just
hard.

its hard to see him cry
when none of my soothing will do.

its hard to appreciate the bond we share nursing
when it's the third time i've been awake.
in three hours.

its hard to ask for help
when i feel like i should be able to do it all.
i'm a mom now
afterall.

its hard to be heavier
than ever before
but not have enough energy
to make a change.

its hard to remember to take some time for myself.

its hard to let him fall.
or cry.

its hard to let go
each morning
when i want to snuggle him and kiss him
all day long.

its hard when he's fussy
and i can't put him down.

its hard to always need to think of someone else
before myself.

its hard being exhausted
most of the time.

its hard saying goodbye to oma
when she goes back home.

its hard to have so much family
so far away.

its hard
to go anywhere
and not know when he might lose it.

its hard knowing that the world won't love him as much when he's a big boy.

its hard not ever knowing if you're doing the right thing.

its hard to know that each day
i let him go a little more
so that he can become
his own.

what she said

there is nothing i can say about mamahood that hasn't already been said by thousands of women before me.
so let me call on the wisdom of so many before me to capture how i feel at just this moment. so lucky to be your mom, little boy.

“I could not get my fill of looking.
There should be a song for women to sing at this moment or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment.” -Anita Diamant, The Red Tent

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”  -Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”  -Debra Ginsberg

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” -Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, “We grew a child in here,” and breasts that say, “We nourished life.” My hands, with bitten nails and a writer’s callus, say, “We create amazing things,”
-Sarah, from I Am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words

Already?!?

As summer begins to wind down, I find myself really emotional as I get ready to go back to work and trust a friend to watch my most precious. I can hardly believe the little boy he is becoming (already?!?) at 3 months.

This beautiful boy has developed a little personality all his own. Smiling and staring at his toys, reaching and grabbing. Sitting up with help, and very proud, I might add. He'll admire that baby in the mirror and grin and grin.

He's getting to know his big brother and loves to watch and observe everything around him.

He has a lot to say. Sometimes it's happy chatter and sometimes he just needs you to know that he is p-ed right off. And, oh, you should hear him laugh. It will melt you to a puddle on the spot.

He's also discovering just how good it feels to put everything in his mouth. We're pretty sure he's starting to teeth based on how he like to chomp on our fingers.

He's happy. He's healthy. He's growing.

And me? Well, I've been learning a lot about love.

I've been learning so much about how to live in the moment and appreciate the little things. This proud mama loves each and every little giggle, burp, babble, and toot.

I feel so lucky to know this little man.

In the Quiet Moments

In the quiet moments in the middle of the night while I nurse you in the dark, I do the closest thing I can to pray. Over your tiny body, I will all the hopes and dreams that I have for you.

I wish for you to eat until your belly is full.
I wish for you to sleep long and peacefully.
I wish for you to grow to be strong and healthy.
I wish that school will be easy for you.
I wish for you to learn to work hard.
I wish for you to have many friends.
I wish for your days to be filled with laughter.
I wish that I can be a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it (even when you're grown.)
I wish for you to find things that you love to do.
I wish that you will call me often once you leave home.
I wish for you to find a career path that fulfills you.
I wish for you to find a love as true as the one I have found for your dad.
I wish that someday you will give me grandbabies that I can love the way that I love you.

So Far

I have only been your mom for 8 short weeks, but I already have some thoughts on being a mom so far.

First, let me say, I now find it hard to believe that I ever thought my life was complete without you. There was a time that Daddy and I thought we weren't going to have any kids. We thought life was good with just the two of us- and it was- but it was just nothing compared to the life we have with you. The joy you bring us. The love we have discovered for you and the deeper love we have for each other.

I adore all the precious moments with you.
Gazing at each other.
Cuddling in the early morning, curled around your tiny body in my own fetal position, your head pressed under my chin and your toes tickling the tops of my thighs.
Your tiny arms thrown around my neck in a sweet embrace when I hold you up on my shoulder.
Watching your little mouth curl up into an awkward grin.
Nuzzling your little baby head against my cheek, feeling the peach fuzz of your hair, deeply inhaling your baby scent.
Feeling your relax in my arms as you ready for sleep.

There are challenging times, too. When I just want a moment to myself or another hour of sleep. Times when I feel myself counting the minutes until your next nap, or hurrying about to try to get something done before you wake up. And I remind myself to treasure these moments, too. You are already growing up so fast!

You smile.
You almost laugh.
You follow us with your eyes.
You hold your hands open.
You calmly swing and watch the world.
You bat at your toys on your play mat.
You love a warm bath, and feeling water run down over your head.
You love to sit up holding my hands. You love to "stand up" like a big boy.
You love to be able to see everything around you, and don't want to be left out. You eat like a champ (and spit up like one, too, when we least expect it.)

I can't even imagine how life with you will continue to change, stretching me to grow every day. I only hope that I am up for the challenge. I tell you lots that "Mama takes care of you, as best she can," while you holler at me. I hope that we are building trust, and love, and warmth, as we get to know each other.

So far, from what I see, you are pretty amazing.

Gazing

Christopher Robin looked long and hard at Pooh's face... "Are you learning me by heart?" asked Pooh. "No," he answered, "I know you by heart. You are inside my heart."