Resolution

This year, my goal is to learn to use my camera.

Really use it.

I got a new fixed 50 mm lens for Christmas and I want to play around with it. I want to better record our lives, and frankly, I just love to take pictures.
As a part of this goal, I have joined a group on Facebook that challenges us to take a Picture A Day, on a different theme each month.
I'm less than a week in, loving it, and hoping I don't lose steam.

It's all very experimental (see part one of my goal: learn to use my camera) and quite fun.
This month's theme is negative space. You'll notice I have a couple of favorite subjects. :)

It's also fun to see the small moments in our lives that tell our story.
That we are still in our pj's at noon on the weekends.
The stack of clean clothes waiting to be put away in the background.

A naked baby playing.
The mirror that needs to be cleaned.
The box of toys that's been dumped out, just for fun.

And a lot of smiles.
It's fun to look back on those, too.

Lindan's Words: 19 Months

Most people might not care, but when I look back, I want a quick snapshot now and again of what life is like with Lindan. I wish I did this kind of thing more often. Just a brief note on his going-ons.
Today I will note his vocablary to date. I am sure this is an incomplete list, but it's what I can think of, off the top of my head.

a- apple, Addy, auntie (ah-ee)
b- banana (nana), ball (doh), baby, bye, baa (any farm animal), boot, buttons, buckle, bottle, blow, book, bat, bath
c-
d- Dada, Daddy (Da-ee), down
e- eyes, eat
f- feet
g- go
h- hi, hummus, hike (as in football), hat, head, honk (geese)
i-
j-
k- knees
l- Lindan (in-in)
m- monkey (mon-ee), Mama, Mommy (ma-ee), miss (meesh), Maggie (Ma-ee), mitt, mwah!
n- NO, nigh nigh,
o- Oma, ow, out
p- Papa, Patty (Pa-ee), play
q- quack quack
r- Riah
s- snack (nack), spoon
t-
u- uh-oh, up
v- vrrrmmmm (any vehicle)
w- Willy, wee!, watch, WANT, wow, woah, walk, wee-wee, wawa
x-
y- yeah, yah
z-

signs- more, all done, milk, please, dog, train, bike, cereal, cracker, tree, thank you, eat, outside

Summer Learnin'

Summer happened so fast.
With so many lessons along the way.

Lindan learned to climb up and down stairs on his knees and his feet.
And how to recover when he fell.

He learned that it's a lot of fun to play in the dirt
but that the dirt doesn't taste so good when you put a fistful in your mouth.

Sand is equally intriguing
and no problem all over his face
or in his mouth.

Water is fun for splashing
and diving in, head-on
and blowing bubbles.

Chairs are for relaxing
and watching The Wiggles.

Dancing is best when Daddy holds him
but also fun to clap and stomp
and spin and bounce.

Cousins are great for playing that he's the live baby doll
or for letting him play Minecraft on their iPod.

Naps are best in his own bed.

Throwing things is fun.
Anything at all is good for throwing.

Easton is the best eater.

Mmmm means delicious,
ba-ba means "bye bye" or baby,
mm-ee means monkey,
da means down,
rrrrmmmm is the noise for cars
but when accompanied by a hand twist also goes for motorcycles.

Toilet paper is best for unravelling.

Bathing is unnecessary when you swim or play in a water table.

Mama's milk is always inside her shirt.
Her cleavage is also a good place to stash toys until you're ready to play with them later.

Oma comes over when Mama and Dada leave.
Papa comes anytime.

Watermelon and cheese and peaches and yogurt are delicious.

Stroller walks can be fun.
Climbing anything is fun.
Most of the cupboards are fun.
Balloons are fun.
Summer is fun.

A Day in the Life, 14 months

Looking back, I want to remember what it's like to live with an almost 14-month-old boy. Our day to day can seem mundane, but I am sure that with time I will forget the precious little moments that make up our lives.

You are in bed now about 6:00 p.m. and I won't see you again until about 7 in the morning. I will flick on your video monitor once or twice in the night when I get up to use the bathroom. I will admire your small form sprawled out across the crib, and smile before I fall back asleep.

In the morning you wake up with a smile, and once I pick you up you are immediately pointing to objects in your room, saying "dat" (that) or "wat" (want) and I will slip you out of your sleep sack and into a clean diaper before plunking you into your high chair for breakfast. Your current favorites are watermelon, yogurt, blackberries, nectarines, or some of mommy's smoothie.

After breakfast we'll wipe you down with a fuss before you head off to find your toys. You currently love balls (and a dog toy stick that cracks us up). You roll and chase and throw and experiment with gravity from every angle.

You have a few signs that you use intermittently. You can sign milk, more, all done, or eat. You also have a small vocabulary of spoken words that you use when you feel like it. You have said mama, dada, oma, papa, dog, baa (sheep), hat, hot, book, pees (please), wawa (water), and you always call a ball (at any distance) a "doh".

You also like to pull things off of the shelves and are very good at rearranging our dvd's, shoes, and books. Sometimes we read those books, and Jamberry and Where is Baby's Belly Button are still your favorites. You have many cupboards you can open and you like to pull out the pots and pans with a clatter. You also like to dump out the letters from your name stool, shake your maracas, or press any kind of button you can.

After a week of illness, you have bounced back (to our relief) into your old self of laughing, smiling, and saying 'hi' and waving to anyone you meet. You get a little disappointed when the strangers ignore you.

Now you are starting to walk for real. Well, at least more often. You took your first steps on May 30 but it wasn't until now that you have started to move efficiently on two feet. Crawling is still way faster, but you walk maybe 30% of the time.

You will go back down for your single nap of the day (that's a recent transition) around 11:00 and sleep at least 3 hours, sometimes 4. I putter around the house and try to accomplish my chores and find a few minutes for myself, too.

Once you are up, you are always very hungry and we repeat the breakfast routine. We know you are done when you start chucking your food onto the ground. That's Easton's favorite part and he spends all the time he can under your high chair.

Around now Daddy gets home from work. He wrestles with you on the rug or takes you outside to play on your swing set while I get dinner ready. Your current favorite outdoor activity is repeatedly climbing the stairs. You will also point to swings or slide and say "eee" (wee) when you want to ride.

You eat with us at dinnertime and then self-entertain on the floor while we finish and clean up. Daddy usually does your jammies and we try to brush your teeth. This is the best time of day for dance parties, too. We'll jam around the living room to the Grateful Dead, twirling and dipping and laughing all the way. You tend to get a bit slap happy about this time of day and its always fun to giggle and tickle before bed.

I still nurse you before I lay your down. I always kiss your forehead and whisper "How much do I love you? A bushel and a peck. For how long? Forever and a day." before I settle you in your crib. You always go right to sleep.

Then, I look forward to doing it all again in a new way on a new day. Just trying to be present and savor each of these small moments.

Dear Lindan

Dear Lindan,

Today is your first birthday and I sit typing this letter to you after you have gone to bed. I have lit your birthday candle for the first time to watch the wax melt past the big 1. Tonight, as I have for the last week, I sit reflecting on everything that has happened in the last year. It’s surprising to me how bittersweet this day is. I took you to have your picture taken just so I could mark today in our history together. I also worked on your baby book, your photo album, and decorations for your upcoming celebration. I will celebrate you so that I can look forward. Look forward to all the other years that will burn down on your birthday candle (and will be as amazing as this one) as I watch you grow.

I look through the pictures of you and see how each milestone comes together to make you who you are now. I know now that your early smile wasn’t just a fluke, it’s a part of who you are. Your easy smile delights just about everyone you meet. Your easy smile warms my heart every morning. Your easy smile has made my smile just a little easier, too.

You have brought so much joy to us. I never could have known it until I’ve known you.

I have watched you sit up, stand up, crawl, and cruise. I’ve watched you taste new foods and eat more than the Hungry Caterpillar. I’ve read you books over and over, due to your persistent delight. I’ve picked up everything you’ve pulled from the cupboards more times than I can count. I’ve counted your toes and tickled you everywhere. Nothing makes me happier than the sound of your laughter.

I think back to the first days with you sleeping heavy on my chest. I would look at you and sing Aerosmith’s “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” (Cheesy but true.) I didn’t want to miss a moment of you. I wanted to rock you, sing to you, hold you, kiss you, and love you every single second. A good friend warned me that my heart would grow like the Grinch’s and I keep that image when I feel like my heart could bust through my chest just for loving you.

I love to chase you crawling across the floor as you squeal with glee. I love to listen to you chatter with me from the back seat. I love to nuzzle your neck and kiss you until you giggle. I love to watch you explore and discover new things everyday.

So while I look back and feel a little tender to the touch thinking of your babyhood that is ending, I know that each of these joys will continue and get better with age. I know that you will continue to be my baby, long after I can no longer hold you in my arms or on my lap. I hope I’m up for the challenge of being the best mom I can for a baby who is becoming an amazing little boy.

Just don’t grow up too fast.

I love you more than I ever knew I could love.

(A bushel and a peck, forever and a day.)

xoxo,

Mama

  

I know I'm a mom

For real.
I know I'm a mom now that...
I can sing over 30 different verses to The Wheels on the Bus.
Dirty diapers don't phase me.
I know we need to be home by 6 p.m. Sharp.
I spend a considerable portion of my time crawling on the floor.
I wake up at the smallest sound.
1,000 kisses a day doesn't feel like nearly enough.
I cry over spilled breast milk.
On the Day You Were Born chokes me up every time.
I realize I'm still wearing that froggy headband when I look in the mirror.
But I'm not sure how long I've had it on.
I'm sad at 8:00 each morning but start looking forward to 3:30 around noon.
I can watch a video monitor for hours.
I worry a lot more. About a lot more.
I feel my heart swell in my chest every time I think of you.

Not Perfect

When I try to read books to you I get frustrated that you just want to chew on them.
We've resorted to disposable diapers and formula at times.
I can't be home with you the way that I'd like.
You don't get a bath as often as you should.
Your fingernails are getting long and sharp.
You've fallen off a bed... twice.
I let you crawl on dirty floors.
We always talk to strangers.
You've had a black eye.
I let you cry in bed.
I give in, too.
I <3 p="" you.="">

New Normal

I've discovered for myself that motherhood for me is a constant adjustment

to a new normal.

Just when things get into a rhythm

or routine

and my mind and body can keep up

this little boy

(big boy)

keeps growing

and changing.

I am on my toes.

I am falling behind.

I am tired.

With a quick breath

I catch back up.

Wake up.

Get up.

Grow.

hard

i adore being a mom.
i never knew that i would
ever could
love someone so tiny
so much.

there are moments though
that are just
hard.

its hard to see him cry
when none of my soothing will do.

its hard to appreciate the bond we share nursing
when it's the third time i've been awake.
in three hours.

its hard to ask for help
when i feel like i should be able to do it all.
i'm a mom now
afterall.

its hard to be heavier
than ever before
but not have enough energy
to make a change.

its hard to remember to take some time for myself.

its hard to let him fall.
or cry.

its hard to let go
each morning
when i want to snuggle him and kiss him
all day long.

its hard when he's fussy
and i can't put him down.

its hard to always need to think of someone else
before myself.

its hard being exhausted
most of the time.

its hard saying goodbye to oma
when she goes back home.

its hard to have so much family
so far away.

its hard
to go anywhere
and not know when he might lose it.

its hard knowing that the world won't love him as much when he's a big boy.

its hard not ever knowing if you're doing the right thing.

its hard to know that each day
i let him go a little more
so that he can become
his own.

what she said

there is nothing i can say about mamahood that hasn't already been said by thousands of women before me.
so let me call on the wisdom of so many before me to capture how i feel at just this moment. so lucky to be your mom, little boy.

“I could not get my fill of looking.
There should be a song for women to sing at this moment or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment.” -Anita Diamant, The Red Tent

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”  -Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”  -Debra Ginsberg

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” -Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, “We grew a child in here,” and breasts that say, “We nourished life.” My hands, with bitten nails and a writer’s callus, say, “We create amazing things,”
-Sarah, from I Am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words