New Normal

I've discovered for myself that motherhood for me is a constant adjustment

to a new normal.

Just when things get into a rhythm

or routine

and my mind and body can keep up

this little boy

(big boy)

keeps growing

and changing.

I am on my toes.

I am falling behind.

I am tired.

With a quick breath

I catch back up.

Wake up.

Get up.

Grow.

hard

i adore being a mom.
i never knew that i would
ever could
love someone so tiny
so much.

there are moments though
that are just
hard.

its hard to see him cry
when none of my soothing will do.

its hard to appreciate the bond we share nursing
when it's the third time i've been awake.
in three hours.

its hard to ask for help
when i feel like i should be able to do it all.
i'm a mom now
afterall.

its hard to be heavier
than ever before
but not have enough energy
to make a change.

its hard to remember to take some time for myself.

its hard to let him fall.
or cry.

its hard to let go
each morning
when i want to snuggle him and kiss him
all day long.

its hard when he's fussy
and i can't put him down.

its hard to always need to think of someone else
before myself.

its hard being exhausted
most of the time.

its hard saying goodbye to oma
when she goes back home.

its hard to have so much family
so far away.

its hard
to go anywhere
and not know when he might lose it.

its hard knowing that the world won't love him as much when he's a big boy.

its hard not ever knowing if you're doing the right thing.

its hard to know that each day
i let him go a little more
so that he can become
his own.

what she said

there is nothing i can say about mamahood that hasn't already been said by thousands of women before me.
so let me call on the wisdom of so many before me to capture how i feel at just this moment. so lucky to be your mom, little boy.

“I could not get my fill of looking.
There should be a song for women to sing at this moment or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment.” -Anita Diamant, The Red Tent

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”  -Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”  -Debra Ginsberg

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” -Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, “We grew a child in here,” and breasts that say, “We nourished life.” My hands, with bitten nails and a writer’s callus, say, “We create amazing things,”
-Sarah, from I Am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words

Already?!?

As summer begins to wind down, I find myself really emotional as I get ready to go back to work and trust a friend to watch my most precious. I can hardly believe the little boy he is becoming (already?!?) at 3 months.

This beautiful boy has developed a little personality all his own. Smiling and staring at his toys, reaching and grabbing. Sitting up with help, and very proud, I might add. He'll admire that baby in the mirror and grin and grin.

He's getting to know his big brother and loves to watch and observe everything around him.

He has a lot to say. Sometimes it's happy chatter and sometimes he just needs you to know that he is p-ed right off. And, oh, you should hear him laugh. It will melt you to a puddle on the spot.

He's also discovering just how good it feels to put everything in his mouth. We're pretty sure he's starting to teeth based on how he like to chomp on our fingers.

He's happy. He's healthy. He's growing.

And me? Well, I've been learning a lot about love.

I've been learning so much about how to live in the moment and appreciate the little things. This proud mama loves each and every little giggle, burp, babble, and toot.

I feel so lucky to know this little man.

In the Quiet Moments

In the quiet moments in the middle of the night while I nurse you in the dark, I do the closest thing I can to pray. Over your tiny body, I will all the hopes and dreams that I have for you.

I wish for you to eat until your belly is full.
I wish for you to sleep long and peacefully.
I wish for you to grow to be strong and healthy.
I wish that school will be easy for you.
I wish for you to learn to work hard.
I wish for you to have many friends.
I wish for your days to be filled with laughter.
I wish that I can be a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it (even when you're grown.)
I wish for you to find things that you love to do.
I wish that you will call me often once you leave home.
I wish for you to find a career path that fulfills you.
I wish for you to find a love as true as the one I have found for your dad.
I wish that someday you will give me grandbabies that I can love the way that I love you.

So Far

I have only been your mom for 8 short weeks, but I already have some thoughts on being a mom so far.

First, let me say, I now find it hard to believe that I ever thought my life was complete without you. There was a time that Daddy and I thought we weren't going to have any kids. We thought life was good with just the two of us- and it was- but it was just nothing compared to the life we have with you. The joy you bring us. The love we have discovered for you and the deeper love we have for each other.

I adore all the precious moments with you.
Gazing at each other.
Cuddling in the early morning, curled around your tiny body in my own fetal position, your head pressed under my chin and your toes tickling the tops of my thighs.
Your tiny arms thrown around my neck in a sweet embrace when I hold you up on my shoulder.
Watching your little mouth curl up into an awkward grin.
Nuzzling your little baby head against my cheek, feeling the peach fuzz of your hair, deeply inhaling your baby scent.
Feeling your relax in my arms as you ready for sleep.

There are challenging times, too. When I just want a moment to myself or another hour of sleep. Times when I feel myself counting the minutes until your next nap, or hurrying about to try to get something done before you wake up. And I remind myself to treasure these moments, too. You are already growing up so fast!

You smile.
You almost laugh.
You follow us with your eyes.
You hold your hands open.
You calmly swing and watch the world.
You bat at your toys on your play mat.
You love a warm bath, and feeling water run down over your head.
You love to sit up holding my hands. You love to "stand up" like a big boy.
You love to be able to see everything around you, and don't want to be left out. You eat like a champ (and spit up like one, too, when we least expect it.)

I can't even imagine how life with you will continue to change, stretching me to grow every day. I only hope that I am up for the challenge. I tell you lots that "Mama takes care of you, as best she can," while you holler at me. I hope that we are building trust, and love, and warmth, as we get to know each other.

So far, from what I see, you are pretty amazing.

Gazing

Christopher Robin looked long and hard at Pooh's face... "Are you learning me by heart?" asked Pooh. "No," he answered, "I know you by heart. You are inside my heart."

First Month Refelections

A whole month has flown by and it seems like just yesterday that you joined our little family. It also feels like I have known you forever.

There isn't much you can do yet, but I wonder at your ability to hold your big head and follow me with your eyes. A smile from you warms my heart all day (and even the middle of the night.) You also have some pretty spectacular pooping ability when it comes to projectile elimination. And you can suck your pacifier like a champ. (I was so glad to get my finger back.)

After help from Auntie Sarah, you have a good night routine set up. 3 hours at a stretch and Daddy helps with the night feeding so Mommy is a better rested and happier person. You are eating well and filling your belly so that you can grow, grow, grow. In your first two weeks you gained over a pound and I imagine by now you have repeated that feat. Your lungs also show great capacity for speaking your mind.

You've had a lot of small adventures and Mommy loves to show you off. All of your family and extended family has loved to snuggle your baby body and kiss that little soft spot on the top of your sweet head.

You continue to be my little bug, my birdie (my angry bird when you cry), my sweet boy.
And I get to love you forever.

(Right back atcha, Mama.)

No Greater Love

The days and nights are tiring, but I am trying to soak up every minute.
All the little details that I love.

The soft hair smoothed over his head.
His tiny perfect features.
A deep little sigh after he finished eating and has gotten his fill.
The way he grasps my hand with his when I let him suckle my finger.
His tiny warm body curled up on my chest as we sleep.

We have been getting out a bit and I feel a bit stronger each day.
I am already amazed at the way I see him growing before my eyes.
His face is filling out, and his whole body is stronger in my arms.

His little cry can break my heart
but it is absolutely magical when all he needs is for me to hold him.
When I pick him up and he instantly relaxes.

We can sit and just watch him sleep.
We can sit and just watch him make his little faces.
And when he opens his eyes and gazes up at you
even if you are out of focus
you know there is no greater love.

Smitten

Time is flying by as I count the days of pure love for this boy.
Thinking back on the first 24 hours in the hospital when he just slept and we just looked at him in wonder.
Wow. He was inside me!
Yeah. We get to keep him.
So much time is spent with his ear close to my lips, whispering sweet messages to this boy I get to call my son.

There were a couple nights of frustration while we learned our nursing routine together. I'm not sure he knew what he was getting into when he signed up for rookie parents.
I was lucky to have great lactation support while I was in the hospital and will be forever grateful for the nursing help from Marian and to have had nurses like Leighann. Certain people have a gift for what they do and should take pride and pleasure in the celebration of a great latch and let down. Or the joy in helping you laugh at your old lady hunch as you shuffle to the bathroom for the first time after they remove your catheter.
Healing is a powerful business.

Now the routine at home is becoming more routine. Lindan eats every hour and a half to two hours. Sleeps a lot. Gazes contentedly into my face making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I just get to whisper, I'm your mommy, and grin.
It's tiring but I'm in love with every minute of it. Even when he peed through our pajamas twice in one night (darn newborn diapers) and even when he just wanted to suck on my finger for an hour instead of letting me sleep.
It broke my heart to lay him in his crib last night and not spend all night with him on my chest. He just seemed so far away. I was grateful when he got fussy enough that I could resume my cuddle guilt-free and let him nuzzle down into my chest, skin to skin.
We've been loving our stream of visitors who have been taking care of us well. Then its just fun to watch them enjoy this boy almost as much as we do. Its such a blessing to have my mom here for this time too. I don't know how I'd do it without her. She's the one calming him down with sweet Oma songs and keeping watch so I can shower now that Todd's working again. She's also the one who makes me sit still and nap while I can.
And then there is daddy Todd, who is completely smitten at the wonder of this boy. His little hands. His long fingers and toes. His baby reflexes to root or stretch. His tiny little bum. His cry that sounds like a seagull. The sheer power of his suck. His hair that gets a little crazy. His ability to melt your heart.
Yes, I guess we're all a little smitten around here.